I Have Changed My Name Three Times…

I Have Changed My Name Three Times, But I Still Don’t Know Who I Am 

By Max Polenberg

I have read the "Top 1,000 Baby Boy Names" twice over 

But none of them suited me 

Liam, Noah, Oliver 

None of them conveyed how I used to cry at ASPCA commercials,

that I once tried to unlearn the English language 

so I could remain a wild animal 

not limited by 26 letters 

James, Elijah, William 

But I am tired from giving birth to myself 

Life breeding life, you see 

Is only sustainable for so long 

Eating away like the snake with its tail 

Henry, Lucas, Benjamin 

I chase after myself 

A version that can be put into words 

Something tasteful and polished, 

And easy to understand 

Something I can swallow 

and spit back up for you 

Theodore, Mateo, Levi 

But the words get lost in my stomach 

They come back half-digested and mucusy, 

Bloodied and mixed with baby teeth 

'Cause I can't define myself 

If I don't know who I am 

Leo, Jackson, Mason 

When I do nothing but wait 

with my hands folded in my lap

For the tragedy of my being 

To become heartfelt and alluring 

I am waiting so patiently 

to feel fully formed 

Sebastian, Daniel, Jack 

But there's no name here 

that tells you what I'm too afraid to say

That I lie in my diary in case someone reads it,

change my name when I'm scared of my existence,

and try to unlearn the English language

so I can escape my own humanity 

and the need for a name to introduce myself with

Michael, Alexander, Owen 

Humanity between my teeth 

is humanity nonetheless 

So, I am trapped as I currently am— 

my tail lodged in my throat 

and needing a title to present myself with

So, I'll go back to the top of the list 

Liam, Noah, Oliver