Myitowne Guided Tour

Myitowne Guided Tour: $270 USD per person

By Olivia Camillin

Hello! Welcome to Myitowne. I’ll be your guide; I’ll make sure you don’t get lost in the rich natural environment that we maintain here. We are a little further away from the typical type of town you probably grew up in. Sometimes, it’s a little harder for people to learn the ropes for this reason. But don’t worry, I’ll be here to guide you!

The plane ride to Myitowne is completely lacking in turbulence, but you might get motion sickness for other reasons. Sometimes, the call is coming from inside the house. First, you’ll watch the aeroplane crew do the safety demonstration. Know, everyone, that like everything in Myitowne, this too will be a competition. Make sure you can touch the lifejackets under the chairs so that you can grab them quickly, just in case. Also, make sure you know how to elegantly put on an oxygen mask and not look like a duck. Remember, someone’s always watching—but we’ll get to that later. Enjoy a smooth ride, and try to sleep if you can. The other people going to Myitowne are likely to talk a lot, and very loudly at that…especially if it's nighttime. Try to just tune them out if you can. You’ll need all the energy you can get.

Before we get started with the tour, a little about me: I reside in the five-person government we maintain here in Myitowne. I am the fifth member of the government. That means I am the odd one out. I do all the dealing with the public. I don’t really have any legislative power. But that’s okay, I don’t really mind. The rest of the government tries to do what’s best for us all, I think. Well, mostly they do what’s best for them, but sometimes that turns out to be what’s best for us. You can feel free to ask me for help, but if you truly want help, you should probably ask one of our leaders. I mean, one of our real leaders.

As you land, try to take notice of the surrounding natural environment. Myitowne has some really lovely beaches. Not to my taste, personally; I’m quite pale. The beach burns me, without fail. The sand in Myitowne is hot, so be careful to protect your feet or they will scar quite easily. This will stop you from being able to walk or run properly, so make sure you wear shoes. As you look closer, you’ll begin to see what looks like pearls in the sand. Sometimes, it looks like the entire beach is covered in glitter. As you turn the sand over in your hands, you’ll see that they are just broken shards of what were once beautiful glowing seashells. Soak up the glittering beauty, but be careful not to cut yourself on the fragmants. We don’t have Medicare in Myitowne. Usually, it’s assumed that you’ll just recover. But it’s best to try not to catch anything or injure yourself. You won’t know until it's too late whether you’re made up of the same stuff as the leaders of Myitowne. If you aren’t, you basically have no chance of recovering.

Now, let’s meet our leaders. You’ve probably seen pictures of them on Instagram, but until now,  I bet you’ve never seen them in real life. Three beautiful mermaids. Well, not real mermaids. They can’t breathe underwater or talk to animals or swim large distances. They just look like mermaids. So, for all intents and purposes, they are our mermaids, all sitting around a pond. There are only three, and they’ve always been sitting in the same place, ever since the beginning of time. And they’ll be sitting there even after you leave. They’re part mermaid and part chihuahua. And all day long, all they do is yap yap yap. Sometimes they yap in a human language, and sometimes it’s in an animal language, but all day long they just sit in a circle, combing each other’s long, beautiful hair and yap yap yap, usually about someone they don’t like. If I were you, I’d probably try to get on their good side. There’s no way to avoid them, so don’t even try. Plus, everyone else hangs out with them all day long, so they’ll know if someone’s missing. You don’t want to offend them, I promise. They’re very easy to admire, and they have this way of not noticing when someone is admiring them. They’re just used to it at this point. In fact, there are a lot of things they don’t notice.

So that's four of us that you’ve met. But there’s one more leader of Myitowne, the one that is actually responsible for the creation of this perfect universe…

At the beginning of time, the red hot sun turned into a man, red as his parent, in need of a project. He thundered there in the abyss of space, searching for a pastime, an occupance, an experiment. Soon, amidst his treacherous forage for something to do, he stumbled across a beautiful mermaid, who led a government on the beautiful planet Earth. Now, you see, I lived on Earth at the time, too, and it was on the verge of destruction; the beautiful mermaid pledged that she was going to fix it—we trusted her. She was beautiful of face, of course, but she also had power and brains in her head. She knew everything about numbers and money, and she loved her work for the people of Earth; A lot of people were going to live happier lives because of her. She was beloved, and she had everything she could have ever wanted.

The son of the sun was so taken with her that he charted stars in her image. And thus, they fell in love, as deities do. It was an impractical union, but a beautiful one nonetheless. His fiery redness and her calm blonde hair, shining in the heat he threw. He told her he wanted to have children; the people of Earth thought she would make a wonderful mother, her kind heart and practical sense of duty ought to make her a wonderful mother. So they had children, and she didn’t seem to mind at the time. Her daughters were born beautiful, but soon they started to need things—a mother to brush their hair, tell them stories, and sing them a lullaby. Very quickly, the daughters started to take up the mermaid’s entire day, every day, and her work for the quickly deteriorating Earth slowed to a rather tragic stop.

The mermaid began to resent her husband who, without second thought, continued on his trek to find a new planet, and the daughters who had stopped her from reaching her full potential. And so one day, to no one’s surprise, the Earth finally started to end.

The son of the sun received word and sped towards the world to retrieve his children, arriving just in time for his daughters to board his ship, ready to flee. And with that, the world exploded, their mother trapped inside. The son of the sun named the next planet he found Myitowne. And now, we’re here. The son and his daughters lead our planet so diligently that they fight all day and night long. If you catch them at the right time, you might just be able to see them screaming at their father. Well, they generally don’t like people to see that side of them, I suppose. Ignore I said that.

All the children of the valley want to be like its leaders. As they grow up, they, too, will be beautiful of face, but vile of temperament and stone cold of heart. A part of you aches for the kingdom you want to give them… And here’s the gift shop. We’re having a sale on hair brushes. I believe it’s two-for-one. Let me know if you have any questions!